In the fields beyond, sheep and birds are on their third and fourth families of the year respectively.Dilemma. Greater incentives for the private sector to do everything it can for hard-working people to get on the housing ladder, including knighthoods and redeemable ‘tax miles’.5. A significantly extended Notional Mortgage Allowance so that first time buyers can borrow even more from parents or commercial lenders for a deposit, if they need to. My fixer Rock Steady Eddie has the heads-up. Right up your Strasse. Promulgated Defabulism 4, Attenuated Flaneurism 58.3, after on-pitch anomalies and disquiet in the matrix.SUNDAY Temporarily house self in recliner. SATURDAY Five-a-zeitgeist theoretical football. Or at the very least, to nominate a sum of money that will render my genius acceptable. It should not concern a planner what potential misery may be caused to other ratepayers in the execution of an inverted mini-skyscraper underneath a modest garden. Butterflies and spring flowers everywhere. We have a moral obligation to take a stand on this, which is why I for one will be dismissing the IPCC report as racist at the earliest opportunity. As if that’s not scary enough, I’m actually reading the report in a pub beer garden. TUESDAY Redesign The North, giving it a new dynamic focus by reducing it to Manchester.WEDNESDAY As part of the new government initiative to pretend it’s doing anything useful at all to solve the housing crisis, the department for business solutions, delivery and skills is about to launch an appeal for construction specialists.This is even less interesting than it sounds. Of course we must reduce our carbon emissions to zero. Turns out they just want someone to construct some specialist bullshit so it’s ideal really, you finishing that sandwich?’He hands me the draft release. They are residential equity mines. It is nobody’s business but my client’s. That makes me a HERO, surely.What are planners planning ‘for’ these days anyway, if not their own redundancy?FRIDAY Think I’ve cracked the government’s zero-budget pop-up emergency housing action plan. These sunken mansions are creating value where none existed. The proposed plan will exist as a temporary measure until the next General Election and must require neither resources nor complex thought…’Eddie gives me one of his see-there-you-go looks. ‘The Department seeks the construction of a sloganised pop-up housing action plan. ‘Yeah? It’s uncomfortably warm in the November sunshine. As is customary, it’s in five parts. ‘To be honest son, I thought they were looking for consultants and contractors too. Let’s be clear. A new Reward for Innovation scheme to encourage impressive new housing construction targets through competitive thinking.I’m calling the pop-up plan ‘More Homes For Better People’ which has a harmless yet inspirational ring to it. How dare these pettifoggers interfere with my bespoke subterranean visions for discerning, ultra-rich clients? Just roll out a couple of yards of that smartarse guff that sounds as though it means something but it doesn’t and nobody cares, whatever, hope follows hype, trope follows tripe, all that mincemeat – bosh, we’re golden’.THURSDAY So glad the Human Rights Act is still in place, because I intend to take Kensington Chelsea to the cleaners if they carry out their threat to ban so-called ‘mega-basement’ development.It is an assault on my basic freedom as an auteur.